Re-Lax, Don’t Poo It.

Doncha sometimes just wish your life was like a painting? Like you were Vermeer’s girl with a pearl earring, a beautiful Tahitian woman rendered with seductive care by Gauguin,  or a six-eared half-human, half-guitar borne out of Picasso’s nutso mind? It would be so mysterious and romantic.

You know what’s less mysterious and romantic? Dulcolax’s pastel drawings of women who cringe when the thought of taking a dump comes up. Of course we’ve all been there. The Lamaze breathing, the painful pushing, the “why don’t I drink more water!?” lamentations while we sit on our throne trying to extract that difficult poo like it was a C.I.A. agent on a compromised mission in Bora Bora. (God, I miss Alias so much.)  But these whimsical drawings of women with Joan Baez hair who are lounging peacefully on picnic blankets and hammocks while shamefully hiding their hard-poop secrets do nothing to show the reality that is constipation. 

 

Coyness in the face of constipation. 

That’s not to say it doesn’t work though. I would think that it does, especially because they have an exhaustive website with tips and suggestions for easing the pain, and a profile of a famous celebrity who is unable to crap, Spanish talk-show host Cristina. Cristina no puede tomar una mierda suave para ahorrar su vida.  Cristina may occasionally have diarrhea of the mouth on her talk-show, but that’s certainly not true of her other end.

Maybe there really is nothing like spreading out on a large, animated blanket or soft over-sized chair to remind your pastel self that there is softness in the world. Ours is a soft planet. But you know what is not a soft planet? Uranus.