The only place where you can live in a t(ee)p(ee) and have your record wiped clean.

 We here at ANAWFOS are no strangers to the  poo issues. But methinks this ad took it to an unintentional new place.  A place where all homo-sepians can coexist peacefully. A place where, at the local cinema you can see such classic films as “An Affair to Raw Umber”. And a place where I bet I’ll be sienna lot of my fellow brunettes.

Oh Garnier Nutrisse, Thank you. This chestnut is a chesnut.

Just another Friday night in the city

“Hey you guys. You might be wondering why I brought you up to my roofdeck. It’s cool right? Quite a view of our generic metropolis at sunset.  I love having a roofdeck, even if it only has one bench that barely fits the three of us and it’s a tight squeeze. But it’s perfect for having intimate conversations, which is good because there’s an issue I need to talk to you about. Well, I’m going to talk more to you, Amy, than I am to Jessica. Honestly Jessica, I don’t know why you insist on still wearing those bra strap headbands. Who do you think you are, Amanda Peet? The look is over. O-V-E-R. Anyway, Amy. As I was saying, there’s this new — ohmigod, thank you! I love my blue necklace too. I bought it on that street in our city that’s known for having cheap knockoff jewelry and purses and the occasional dead duck in the window. I know, I didn’t think I could pull off such a chunky bead either but I think it works with my delicate features. You know what doesn’t work for me? Gnarly, boho, earth-toned prints that are currently breathing down my neck could you please back off just a little, Jess? It’s bad enough that we’re all wearing low cut v-neck dresses, but that print – honestly, who dresses you? Now please. I am trying to tell Amy about the new way for us to not ruin our hip, urban lifestyle with a stupid baby. It’s called Yaz. No, Jessica, NOT like the band. What are you even talking about? There’s no such band, shut up. It’s a low-dose pill that will totally let you do it with anyone and not get preggers. I should know! You totally won’t need that prescription for the morning after pill anymore, either. Anyway, Amy, I glad we could talk like this. Hey,  does my pink eyeshadow look ok? I just got it at Sephora with that giftcard Jessica got me – I think the color might not work on me though, what do you guys think? Yeah, I know, I don’t know if I like it either, but since the giftcard was only for $25 it’s not like I can go buy another shade! Anyway, I totally need to pee after all those mojitos! God, I love mint! It reminds me of gum.”

Re-Lax, Don’t Poo It.

Doncha sometimes just wish your life was like a painting? Like you were Vermeer’s girl with a pearl earring, a beautiful Tahitian woman rendered with seductive care by Gauguin,  or a six-eared half-human, half-guitar borne out of Picasso’s nutso mind? It would be so mysterious and romantic.

You know what’s less mysterious and romantic? Dulcolax’s pastel drawings of women who cringe when the thought of taking a dump comes up. Of course we’ve all been there. The Lamaze breathing, the painful pushing, the “why don’t I drink more water!?” lamentations while we sit on our throne trying to extract that difficult poo like it was a C.I.A. agent on a compromised mission in Bora Bora. (God, I miss Alias so much.)  But these whimsical drawings of women with Joan Baez hair who are lounging peacefully on picnic blankets and hammocks while shamefully hiding their hard-poop secrets do nothing to show the reality that is constipation. 

 

Coyness in the face of constipation. 

That’s not to say it doesn’t work though. I would think that it does, especially because they have an exhaustive website with tips and suggestions for easing the pain, and a profile of a famous celebrity who is unable to crap, Spanish talk-show host Cristina. Cristina no puede tomar una mierda suave para ahorrar su vida.  Cristina may occasionally have diarrhea of the mouth on her talk-show, but that’s certainly not true of her other end.

Maybe there really is nothing like spreading out on a large, animated blanket or soft over-sized chair to remind your pastel self that there is softness in the world. Ours is a soft planet. But you know what is not a soft planet? Uranus.

AC/Duh-C

We’re sure this is fairly obvious, unless you’re relatively new to this world, but the song in the GAP commecial with Audrey Hepburn shaking her skinny white butt around in the new skinny black pants (really, do you guys need to put skinny in front of another article of clothing?  We get it!  IT WON’T FIT US!) is “Back in Black” by AC/DC.

The scene is from her 1957 movie, “Funny Face.”  Watch it only if you want to fall head over heels in love with an actress named Audrey.

To recap: we here at ANAWFOS like AC/DC, love Audrey, even sometimes appreciate the GAP for it’s even-Amish-people-could-wear-this-shit clothing (ok, they do make “the perfect” basic tee).  The only gripe we have with this commercial is the timing.  Was it that hard to perfectly sync up her dance with a rock song?  And honestly, if it was… maybe choose another song?  The commercial is just insulting.  Audrey had timing!

GAP, I know a great editor I can put you in contact with.  He edited a 5 minute film I was in about people who work in a cheese factory.  The timing on that thing was Gouda.  Heyooo. 

Seriously, GAP… maybe you should leave commercials like this to someone who knows about music (coughITUNEScough).

Just trying to help,

Glennis & Liz

P.S. What purpose does the sampled/rap-ified version of  the line ”I rather feel like dancing! And I could certainly- what what! – certainly – wika wika! riff riff! - use the release! use the release! use the release!” serve? Hasn’t post-mortem Audrey already had to deal with enough, what with Jennifer Love Ghost Whisperer playing her on TV and every young Lohanalike who wears big glasses claiming her as an inspiration? Let’s leave the corporate schilling to the aspiring actors out there who actually want to be in commercials, and not the people who don’t know (and probably wouldn’t want to know) their likeness (no matter how dainty and adorable it is) is being used. What’s next,  Goya sampling Casablanca’s “hill of beans” line?  “Hill of -chicka chickpea! Our problems won’t amount to a- Hill of, hill of- canneloni!- Hill of beans, hill of lima, hill of dark red kidney, what! Hill of BEANS! Yo. Let’s get the garbanzo OUTTA HERE! Peas!”

 Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we?

Lay Off the Poor Girl

I just want to know one thing, Classmates.com.  Well, two things really.  First, why are you such d-bags making us pay to contact our old school chums.  You pray on our weaknesses!  Dangling our hopes for a reconnection with Rocky, the hottest dude in school which would, honestly, not so much be a reconnection as a first time meeting but still… dudes he was so hot!  I’ve so hated Classmates.com for so long that I block the address sending me spam and refuse to log onto that site.

Besides, I’ve found more lost classmates through Myspace.  Suck it!

Second, this banner I see all over the internet bugs the crap out of me.

I’m assuming that “She married him??!!” is code for “That ugly chick married the hottest guy in school??!!” and it ticks me off cuz that’s a real chick, right?  I mean, I hope they know that girl because what if that was your picture and you saw these ads.  Heartbreak.  Except that you married the hottest guy in school.

There’s another ad featuring her that says something like, “She’s a model??”

So basically Classmates.com were the jerks in high school we all hated. 

Just wanted to clear that all up.

Shhh…The Audience is Listening.

We here at ANAWFOS are big music lovers. We know this can sometimes make people music snobs, but that’s totally not us. Well, it’s not Glennis anyway. I have been known to weep openly while watching MTV or listening to sad examples of the state of current pop, but my heart is not stone. I can occasionally be swept off my feet by a great who-is-that-artist?? new song.  Chances are my new discovery will be overshadowed by the fact that the song has already been turned into a commercial for the new ipod Nano and I will be rendered once again hopelessly behind the times, but the commercialism of it all will not make me turn on it. The new song in question on said Nano commercial that has stolen my heart is Cut Chemist’s “The Audience is Listening Theme Song” off the oddly apostrophe’d album The Audience’s Listening. If I were this song’s teacher, it would be a delight to have in class.

Finding BoNivaland, or Sally Field totally got boned

Sally Field must have the laziest friends in the whole entire world, ’cause apparently it’s too labor intensive for them to take a pill once a week. The hassle! Who can remember, let alone find the time, to swallow one thing, once a week? No sir, not for me. That’s why Gidget takes Boniva, the once a month post-menopausal, anti-osteoporosis pill. Am I missing something? Are these pills the size of bricks? Are they coated with porcupine quills? Why is it so hard to take a pill once a week? And for the record, I adore Soapdish, so I’m totally not hatin’ on a thin-boned, aging pixie for personal reasons, I just don’t get the commercial. It’s a little hard to swallow. Maybe if they only showed it once a month I could deal with it a little better.

P.S. Rally with Sally? Rally with Sally?? Of all the slogans and all the spokespeople you could have chosen, that’s what we decided on? Some possible others…

Build Bones with the Stallones

Healthy Marrow with Farrow

 

Be Less Brittle with Rich Little

Raise the Steaks

There’s a new A-1 Steak Sauce commercial out that features three men tailgating before a game.  One guy is grilling and drops some A-1 on the grill.  A moment of silence as the other two dudes wait to see what he’s going to do.  He takes off his hat, leans down and we cut to the ambulance with him inside, his tongue wrapped up due to a burn.

This commercial is not significant in any way except that the guy with his tongue wrapped up looks like an adult version of the kid, Flick from A Christmas Story, who gets his tongue stuck to a flagpole and wrapped up!  I now know, from google searches, that it’s not him, but how cool would it have been if it WERE him?

 

I’m just not that into this

Oh, Miranda Hobbs. Redheaded and mannish, knocked up and cynical – in short, the Sex and the City character I always end up compared to in those “Which one are YOU?” quizzes. And the one whose dating woes spawned the show’s most unfortunate catch phrase, “He’s just not that into you”. The Greg Behrendt Show premieres September 12 with ads currently in rotation. Not sure who he is or what I’m talking about? He’s the guy with 1997 Mark McGrath hair who is claiming that “If Dr. Phil’s your dad and Oprah’s the queen and Ellen’s your sister, then I’m your big brother”. Which is kind of realistic because my family canceled my big brother after 6 episodes.

Proof that with the right PR team, you too can spin six little words into an easily forgotten but not that easily gone empire.

Rhymes With Flubnoxious

WEEEE!!! (*beep* *beep*) WATCH OUT EVERYONE!! I’M GONNA RUN YOU OVER WITH MY ANNOYING-SCOOTER!!!